Can’t he spend his own money?

Dear Dr. Reality,

I loaned my brother $500 and asked him not to tell my wife. My wife found out and got mad at me. Shouldn’t I be able to lend my brother some money?

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

Your wife wasn’t mad about the money. She was mad about your having a secret with your brother that put her in the position of the person from whom the secret was kept.

You don’t have to tell your spouse everything to sustain true love, but you can’t have an understanding with anyone else that leaves your spouse in the dark.

Conversely, true love needs some secrets between the spouses that leave other people in the dark.

[I’m going to use spouse to refer to the person you’re committed to in love, whether married or not, gay or straight. It’s a good word because it’s gender neutral and it doesn’t mean any other kind of relationship. Lover applies to any encounter, partner applies to business and card games, and so on. Not all spouses seek true love, but I’m assuming you do.]

The implicit rules of any relationship define the relationship and protect its functions. The functions of true love include romantic bonding (the feeling of being loved and in love), sexual intimacy, and friendship; typically, living as housemates; financial partnership or at least interdependence; and, often, co-parenting. Owning pets jointly can go under housemates or co-parenting, depending on how you feel about the pets (fish versus dogs).

The intimacy required for true love (as opposed to friends and housemates, which is where many relationships end up—or just housemates) demands openness by both spouses, and this in turn demands intense trust that your intimacy will not be betrayed. Without the trust, you won’t reveal yourself. But what exactly are you trusting your spouse to do or not do?

Whenever a third party is involved, true love requires the third party to be treated as the third party, and the lovers as a dyad. A spouse can be in a dyad with another person, but not if the spouse is cast in the role of the third party. You can be in multiple dyads, and you can even be in several intimate dyads, but you can’t be in multiple dyads that turn your spouse into a third party and expect to reap the benefits that come from spouses putting each other first.

Also, you need to make sure you both agree on the rules about spending money without consulting each other. Generally, you should each keep some discretionary money as your own, even if it’s only a few dollars, and you should agree on some amount above which you will not spend joint funds without consulting each other. If you are rich, you could easily have amassed $500 of your own money to spend as you wish (if only you don’t alienate your spouse in the process). “Rich” is the term for couples who, when bills come in, just pay them. (“Middle class” is the term for people who have to get up and work; “wealthy,” “unemployed,” “artistic,” and “poor” are some of the terms for people who don’t.)

Dr. Reality