Skinner said, late in life, that one of the humilities of old age was that, after having a good idea, he would realize that he’d already had that idea in 1953. One of my humilities is that, after having a good idea, I often recall that Skinner had that idea in 1953.
So the main point of my previous post wasn’t that many women think they’re tired when they’re angry; my main point was that you can only describe your emotions as you were taught to describe them by the people observing you (what Skinner calls the verbal community). Still, a commenter asked what I think is the boys’ analogy to tired girls.
Anger is the emotional state in which observing damage (to the object of one’s anger) operates as a reinforcer. Damage doesn’t have to mean a broken arm; it can mean a loss of face, a disappointment, or a look of concern.
I think many Americans are less upset by angry boys than by angry girls, so boys are more likely to learn that they are angry when they are angry. On the other hand, society’s relative comfort with boys being angry and with being angry at boys means that many boys don’t learn to disguise their anger, and they are therefore more likely to incur punishment for anger. This in turn makes boys more likely to avoid authority figures and to express anger when they are not being watched. Women are therefore more likely to comfort themselves with food and napping when angry, and to hurt people while acting manifestly within social norms, while men are more likely to avoid self-monitoring when angry and to express it in ways that breach social norms. Parents who recognize, accept, and manage their children’s anger produce adults who recognize, accept, and manage their own anger.
So, I’d say that many boys think they are bad when they are angry, but they recognize that they are angry. Other boys are taught that they are confused, and then they seek order through obsessive-compulsive behaviors when angry.
Boys are more likely to be mislabeled as tired when they want to snuggle. Tired or weak. Some men can snuggle only when they think they are tired. One of the many things I love about Janna is that when I come home at the end of the day and want soothing comfort, she provides it without metacommunicating that I should man up or stop complaining or, worst of all, take care of her. How did I go from purveying Southern machismo as a child to feeling comfortable with my own dependency needs? I’d say a lot of it had to do with the times I grew up in, with feminism to thank for redefining the role of men, and a lot of it had to do with my high school girlfriend, who tolerated my disgust with my desire for physical comfort without construing me as weak for wanting it. If your first love was someone who genuinely liked you, you are blessed. Last love, too.
Michael Karson, Ph.D. 
Thanks for the follow up post.
I’ll be on the look out for how my male clients/myself deal with the interaction of anger and authority and need for order when anger sends them awry. I often wonder about society’s messages about male anger too. It seems that the talking heads we see often leave us with two choices. The John Stewart or the Bill O’Reilly approaches – sarcasm vs. bluster. Both seem ineffective in their own ways and both are usually removed from the authority figure, like you suggest. I’m sure there are other examples out there (John McClain – Die Hard)… 🙂
I liked your thoughts on how a man’s need for comfort can be undermined by a female asking for comfort at the exact moment. This is something that is complicated and not easy to resolve as both parties feel the need for comfort and in order for it to be successful one has to manage their emotion for a few moments longer than the other party.
Does this explain America having the biggest incarceration rate on the planet? Angry boys go to jail. At least if they are black or brown. No snuggling there.
@ Cousin. As you well know, the reasons are multi-determined including outright racism (expressed as a fear of angry black men and expressed in ways that make black people angry), subcultures of saving face (“honor”) with violence and threats of violence (and these subcultures also frown on dependency in males), subcultures of minor legal infractions (what has the law done for me that I should obey it without question), drug use for hopelessness, and so on. Somewhere on that list, though, in my opinion, probably near the bottom, also ought to be a socioeconomic class culture of raising children with punishment, which makes them avoid authority. But rather than thinking on an individual level of what led to a particular person’s incarceration, I tend to think of the incarceration rate as a way of dealing with national shame by claiming the objects of shameful treatment deserved it.
@ LW Thanks for your thoughts. If we can just hold out for a few moments, as you say, and talk it over, a lot of conflicts can be resolved without eruption. I think this is one of the main thinks psychotherapy at its best teaches.