Dear Dr. Reality,
My husband never does enough for the holidays. It’s like he doesn’t care. He knows how upset this makes me, but for Valentine’s Day, he’ll just pick up flowers and candy on the way home. Last V-Day, he didn’t even do that! Halloween is approaching and he hasn’t said a word about our costumes (we’re going to a party). It seems like we always have a fight, but he never changes.
Signed, All Dressed Up and No One to Go With
Dear All Dressed Up,
When you try to control your spouse by exploding with anger or tears when he disappoints you, you become like a valley filled with landmines. In a landscape like that, expect cautious, small steps, and a lot of anxiety that interferes with thinking about other people (that is, about you). When you try to control your spouse by acting like a drill sergeant, you will get a mask of compliance (“Yes, dear”) and find that he is reserving his joy for other situations. It’s fine to want to control your spouse; it’s monstrous to attempt it. One of the few things we know for certain in psychology is that aversive control never produces actual control but only the mask of obedience; it also produces anxiety and stress. My advice is to dig up all your landmines and replant them around the perimeter—only get angry if your partner violates a basic boundary of the relationship. Otherwise, enjoy the fact that he is not a slave to other people’s expectations, even yours. Try to make coming home, even on a holiday, something he looks forward to doing. If you’re feeling unappreciated or uncelebrated, talk about it with him. But don’t turn into Nero, singing for people who were afraid of him and demanding applause. And don’t turn into my grandmother, who responded to occasional letters with remonstrations about not having written longer and more frequent letters. Instead, find out what he likes about you and do more of that. And if he is moved to reciprocate, don’t become one of those nieces who ignores Uncle Harry and just wants to know what he brought her.
Dr. Reality
Michael Karson, Ph.D. 
I love this post, as I do all your posts in this vein. Over the course of 50+ years, I’ve had friends who are no longer friends, and extended family members to whom I just don’t feel close any more because they had or have a complicated set of expectations for our relationship that they never speak aloud, but which dictate their responses to me. If I have failed to measure up to their standards (didn’t write enough, didn’t call enough, didn’t pay enough attention to birthdays; didn’t visit enough; didn’t invite them to come over, whatever–) I’ve been treated to sulking (but no explanation and no attempt to start a conversation that might have helped), snippy comments (but no explanation), the cold shoulder (but no explanation) and frigid silence (but no explanation). The message has been, in a few instances, “You’re not a good friend/lover/spouse/relative/person because you didn’t ____” (fill in the blank with some failing, but don’t make it explicit– keep it implied and mysterious) “–and I’m going to demonstrate my hurt and disappoval by acting chilly. THAT will show you how bad you made me feel!” Often, the person setting these unspoken rules for the relationship doesn’t care much about the happiness of the one they’re criticizing (or has convinced him/herself that he or she is the generous, caring one who never gets any of it back). Ironically, those who have become mad at me for not expressing more devotion or avid interest in them, their accomplishments, their children or their problems have rarely express the slightest interest in what makes me tick, what I love, what I’m reading, what I’m thinking about these days, what’s keeping me fulfilled. There has been little or no effort to engage me in any kind of genuinely mutual sharing of interests, passions or experiences… and, in fact, little effort to share their own interests, passions and experiences– except for dissatisfaction. Does the letter-writing spouse, above (who could be a heterosexual female or a gay male, right?) ask, “How can I contribute to the health and enjoyment of my relationship with my husband– and others in my life– by communicating without blaming; by loving without setting unspoken rules that “hurt me” when they’re broken; by reflecting on what characteristics in my mate I love, and by clarifiying for myself what’s most important and what doesn’t matter all that much?” Nope. S/he’s a critical, blaming, life-sucking victim who, needing to be the center of gravity, will eventually destroy the marriage–or at minimum, will ensure that the marriage sinks into the dark well of her own chronic disapproval and unhappiness. My dearest friends and those in my family who I adore in rich, fairly uncomplicated ways are people who don’t need to set some high bar for proof of love; don’t make mind-reading a must for being in their lives; call me when they want to talk and don’t get huffy if I don’t call first; who take my calls when I do call first (without remonstration), and who seem to like me because I like them because they like me because I like them. No requirements involved (except don’t steal from me, don’t lie to me, enjoy it when I laugh or smile; hate it when I feel guilty, and put effort into proposing topics for conversation that might interest both of us– I’ll do the same).
I’m shocked you used that word. I’m not saying which. Hmmph.